Gratitude

I was given a special gift when I flew out of South Africa. The Soweto Gospel Choir, which is really famous, happened to be on my plane and as we landed in Amsterdam, they sang several amazing songs. It was a surreal end to my African adventure. I have been home just under 2 weeks and I am in the process of processing. Its taken me awhile to blog about being home because I have so many random and jumbled up and inconsistent thoughts that I wasn't sure how they would end up once written. But tonight I am babysitting for my friends and thought I would take the opportunity to try to compose something.

Many people have asked me how I am dealing with reentry, culture shock, whatever you want to call it and I have to say that I am very happy. I was trying to figure out recently why I am so happy and I have come up with a few things. First of all, as mentioned before, I really think I thought I would die or something terrible would happen on this trip. If you go back to my very first blog posting, you can read about all of my irrational fears and I have realized that although I absolutely love traveling, there is a bit of stress involved. Everytime I got on a crowded minibus, I prayed that we wouldn't crash (for good reason, as one of my drivers was drinking which I didn't realize until I was getting off!), everytime I swam in the lake, I would frantically scan around pray there was no crocodile, I prayed a lot to ward off snakes, I prayed in Joburg that noone would mug me or carjack me. In general, I prayed a lot. Which brings me to why I am so happy. I AM ALIVE! And I get to hang out with my family and friends again and enjoy lattes and walks on the street. Anyway, it made me realize that God is trustworthy and that I can trust Him to take care of me. It was like, "wow, God we did it!".

Secondly, I am finding it hard to complain about anything or be too stressed when in the grand scheme of things, I have a really good and easy life. I met women in Africa who have to prostitute themselves just to feed their children or have contracted HIV because their husband had an affair, or have essentially no freedoms or choices in their lives. And I for some reason, was born in a country in this century, with my family, where I have endless choices and freedoms. Even though I am a bit stressed thinking about the future and having to start a new job and what is next...at least I have choices. I have choices to eat what I want and can get it in two minutes instead of having to eat cassava everyday and work really hard to make it. I have the choice of whether or not to have children. I can stay single if I want and never have to deal with a man having control over me or exposing me to diseases. It's pretty incredible when you think about the millions of women in the world who don't have choices. I'm going to go off for a moment on this because it was the issue that frustrated me the most and made me feel the most helpless so bear with me. Many people here often think of HIV/AIDS as a disease that people get because they are sleeping around or something else that makes it a disease that affects "them" and lets us judge people and not have to actually do something about it. We have compassion for the innocent children with it and the orphans, but not always so much when we think about adults. But the majority of women I met were just as innocent. They are victims of poverty and simply being women. They got this disease because their husband brought it home to them even though they will often be blamed by their husband. They got it because they had to prostitute themself for the most basic necesity of life. I truly believe that the reason Africa is facing an HIV epidemic is because of poverty and women's rights, which is linked to poverty. Not to say that we should have less compassion for anyone with HIV, but maybe because I am a woman, it especially upsets me. Basically, I'm incredibly grateful that I can choose who I marry and when, and get out of bad situations, and be independant of men.

Thirdly, I am grateful for family and friends. I haven't had to worry about a place to stay because so many people have offerred and it has been great catching up with people. I don't know about the future yet. Have a few ideas, but will take some thinking and praying. I know I want to go back. As frustrated as I may sound at times, I absolutely love Africa and can't imagine not going back. I think I'm also happy because I finally realized that this is what I want to do with my life. It gives me purpose. But, I don't know when or how or where. I don't think it will be for awhile and I know I will always want to return home for extended periods of time. I just want to enjoy the process. Catching up with people and moving onward in this crazy journey.

Trusting my Creator

Its been a bit of a whirwind week with flight changes, changing countries, and having lots on my mind. What I didn't share in my last blog was the true reason for leaving Malawi early. Now that I know everything is OK, I can share it because it is a part of my journey this year.

While in Malawi a month ago, I found a breast lump. Because I had surgery, I didn't think much of it, but took note and thought I need to check it out when I get home. Unfortunately it had all of the hallmarks of a lump to take seriously with it being hard, round, and painless (All you women out there should be checking for this monthly!) Anyway, about a week ago, I asked another nurse with me to feel it and she thought it was a bit concerning and after discussing it with others, I decided it needed to be checked out sooner rather than later. I really wasn't that worried, but I thought if it was something, I would kick myself later. With Malawi's health care system being what it is, the closest medical facility to check it was South Africa. So I said a sad good-bye to Malawi and left 3 weeks ahead of schedule to return to Joburg. I was really unsure with how to proceed because I don't have medical insurance at home and thought that if I get results here, it could impact things with insurance at home. At the same time, SA has a great private health system and I was able to get right into a doctor and do tests cheaply. So, yesterday I had an ultrasound and mammogram which were inconclusive so I had a needle biopsy and the doctor just called with the results, that it is fine! It's funny how the mind works because although I knew it would be fine, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst. I was blessed to be surrounded by good friends here who offered me their prayers and help getting around town.

It's actually made me think about a lot. First, it made me think about my priorities in life. When I briefly had the flitting thought of what if I have 6 months to live, I thought I should have spent the past year with family. It made me realize how quickly things can change. But, its been an incredible year where I have learned and lived the life I think God has called me to. This life can end at any time and I want to be living in the will of God, not in fear. This year was about overcoming fears and I don't think being away from family this year was a mistake. It will make me appreciate them more when I see them.
Secondly, I had the thought, "God wouldn't do that to me". Especially when I thought what if I also have TB and they have to treat my nonactive TB first before I can be on chemo. I know irrational again, but these are the thoughts you have. It made me think about what I believe God's nature to be. Does He cause things like cancer in us? or Prevent it at times? How involved is He with us. Would I have been angry at God if I had been diagnosed with cancer? In honesty, I have to admit I would have been. I would have wondered why God would have brought me here to have it end like this. I do believe God is actively involved in our lives and that He sometimes answers prayers the way we want and sometimes He doesn't. I hope that if the diagnosis had been different, I could have grown closer to God and seen this year as a time to do that.
Thirdly, I had those nagging doubts again that I experienced at the start of this trip and before leaving for Malawi, that something bad would happen. I believe this was the work of Satan to try to prevent me from living the life God has for me by making me fearful. Before I left on this trip, I had a feeling of impending doom and that something "bad" would happen. But I really felt they were not feelings from God and this was confirmed when I started living in South Africa. It was an incredible time of growing closer to God, getting baptized, and experiencing His Holy Spirit. I knew that this was where I was supposed to be and I felt the same way once in Malawi. But during the past 24 hours waiting for the biopsy results, I had this feeling that what if this is the "bad" thing. Satan created lots of doubts in me about what if this year wasn't right. It is crazy how quickly doubts and fear can enter. But, God is good. And I am fine and it wasn't a "bad" thing and I have had an incredible year that will impact me for life and I have learned more than I could have hoped for, and my relationship with God is strong.

Its going to take awhile to process this year. I think I will struggle a bit at home. I am overly excited to see family and friends, but once that dies down, reality will set in. I am not much closer to knowing the future of my life. I have no concrete plans for the future. I know that this year impacted me and will impact future decisions I make, but I am learning to be at peace with uncertainty. Beyond all, I am learning to trust God.

By the way, I will be home in the States, next week.

Thank You Very Much Bye Bye

In the words of our cook, Harry, a big "Thank you very much bye bye" to Malawi. I have changed my plans once again and will be flying out to Joburg on Monday, the 6th. I am actually quite sad to be leaving Malawi early, but I have wrapped up many of my projects and it seems time to move on. I am unsure how long I will be in Joburg, but may return home rather soon. We will see with flight changes, etc. It had been an incredible year, but I am also ready to see family and friends. Things could change again so I will keep you posted.
Things I will miss about Mwaya...

• Waking up at 5am and hearing the night watchman talking loudly in Chitonga while I try to get a few more minutes of sleep
• Using my headtorch from 5pm onward and covering myself in mosquito repellent
• Watching for snakes on the path as I walk
• Being bombarded by children yelling, "mzungu" and "give me money"
• The wonderful people of Mwaya especially the staff at Ripple
• The openness of expression of the people. The freeness of hugs and emotions.
• The Mwaya library with many books I have not had time to read and sharing library breakfasts with Mr. Longwe and Japhert
• Cramming onto minibuses that are already too full
• Deciding between vegetable stew, vegetable curry, mashed potatoes, fish stew, or lentils for dinner
• An unbelievably beautiful lake that can change from crystal clear calmness to crashing waves
• The other international volunteers that have become good friends
• The amazing friends I have made that I will likely never see again that unfortunately don't have internet access.

To all of this and much more, I say thank you. And to those who have ever considered traveling to Africa, come to Ripple Africa at Mwaya Beach.

A Few More Months To Go

It has been an interesting last few weeks. I have been really struggling with feeling pretty useless and hopeless and finding that any ideas I have are quickly smashed. There is a constant learning curve of finding out more and more of cultural beliefs and how these impact the health practices of the community. Oftentimes, simple solutions are not so simple here and there begins to seem no solution. I have recently stopped helping at the health center because I am not very useful there since I don't know the language and to be honest most people here do not use the health center because they rely more on traditional healers and witch doctors. Instead, I am turning my focus to the community and doing home visits of children that we find are very underweight at the under 5's clinics. One such child that I visited is tiny and severely underweight. Any idea I suggested in terms of nutrition did not seem to be an option as the mother does not have any source of income and is single. She is feeding the child only nsimma, a local food made from cassava roots with basically no nutritional value. Even simple things like groundnuts are too expensive for her. I saw a few chickens around and asked about eggs, but the chickens do not belong to her. Plus, I am learning that things like suggesting eating chicken eggs is not so simple here. There is a belief that eggs are bad for children because they will cause seizures and that if pregnant women eat the eggs, the child will be bald. I am reminded of a Zimbabwean friend of mine that was very dismayed at my wondering of why people in the South African townships do not eat the many chickens that are wandering around aimlessly. He said, that you wouldn't dare eat the chickens because someone might have placed a spell on them. In the West, we often want to be accepting of everyone's cultural beliefs and say that they all have merit and value, but unfortunately many of them are killing people in poor parts of the world. The mother of the child I visited had gotten pregnant because she could not afford to pay the witchdoctor for muti, traditional medicine, so had slept with him.

I had a glimmer of hope this week though when I went for the day with a man working with the Malawi Council for the Handicapped. We visited several elderly people to give them dates of their upcoming cataracts surgery and also visited several children that have been helped by surgeries for physical deformities or prosthesis. An NGO in Germany pays the costs of the cataracts surgeries and fly an English doctor in twice a year to do 400 surgeries each time. These surgeries can usually provide lifelong cures to people. It was encouraging to see that this work is being done because I have often wondered what is happening to people with physical disabilities.

When I am discouraged, I often am humbled when I think of the impact of Jesus's life. It is amazing to think that he changed eternity during his short life and by surrounding himself with very few people. Sometimes, I think we always want the big solutions and to see major changes, but I am hoping that God will give me the grace to make a small difference in a few people's lives and to at least show them that they have value. I honestly can not imagine doing this work without the hope of Christ in my life. It would be too frustrating and hopeless.

Don't get me wrong, things are also amazing here. I climbed into the hills last weekend and saw the amazing landscape and I swim almost daily in the lake. I am meeting incredibly gracious people who call me 'Ama Molly' and have been hit on by more men than I have ever in my life (Some of them incredibly good-looking), unfortunately there are quite a few cultural differences:->. It would be nice if Western men thought the bigger and curvier the better, but I think that is a losing battle. Anyway, I am continuing to be challenged and growing more than I could have ever hoped for. I am down to my final 2 months and it is sure to continue to be interesting.

A Little Holiday

I spent the last week away from Ripple exploring more of Malawi with friends I have met here. We took the ferry from Nkhata Bay over to the tiny island of Likomo Island. From there, me and two others went onto Mozambique to a tiny town called Cobue. This ended up being a huge mistake with us discovering just how tiny it really was and having great difficulty finding lodging and food. For once, I was disappointed with Lonely Planet as the lodge we had hoped to stay in was 20 km away and very difficult if not impossible to get to. We thought our little place we live in Malawi was remote, but it turns out that this was much more so with essentially no traffic coming or going and the only town boat broken. We ended up finding a place for the night and returned to our friends on Likomo Island the next day to a wonderful backpackers called Mango Drift. We were spoiled there with amazing views, crystal clear water, and fabulous food. I'll let my pictures share the rest....
It felt like we were climbing onboard the Titanic when we boarded the "Illala". We chose to go first class which meant we could stay on the top deck and had the option to rent a mattress. Unfortunately, it was very cold up there with no protection from the wind. On our way back, all of the mattresses were rented so it was a pretty miserable night laying on the hard floor freezing in the wind. The other options were down in the lower area with no windows being pushed up against chickens and fish. So, we were pretty lucky.
Me and Sarah on a little boat heading over to Mozambique. It was a bit of a mission getting on these small boats off of the Illala. Note how tired I am. Not looking my best.
Women washing themselves, clothes, and dishes in the lake.

The beautiful sunset in Mozambique. We decided we couldn't complain too much about Mozambique with views like this.
Children washing dishes beside the trail.
It's nice to have connections. The girls to my right work at Mango Drift and they are friends with a guy who has painted me pictures back at Mwaya Beach. They invited me and Patrick, another volunteer, over for lunch of rice, goat, and beans. I met her whole family and her mother is to my left.
The sunset from Mango Drift on Likomo Island

Me and Patrick having an evening swim. A rare treat as where we live we worry about crocodiles.

"No, we are waiting for Mzungus"

This is what the little boy said when told he needed to go to school. I was waiting for a minibus to get to the clinic, and as usual was surrounded by a group of preschoolers. A woman told them to go to school and they said something. Apparently, they said, "No, we are waiting for mzungus" which translates to "No, we are waiting for white people". Its pretty funny being such a novelty.

I had one of my best days in Africa this week. I have been helping the midwife some at the clinic in the mornings helping her with prenatal exams and family planning. On Tuesday, a woman came in labor. She was 19 and this was her second pregnancy. She arrived in active labor and dilated at 7cm. The midwife thought she would deliver in 3 hours. I stayed with her while Janet, the midwife, went to another room to do the prenatals. I felt pretty uncomfortable as this woman was in obvious pain and I couldn't speak her language to see if I could do anything to help her or if she wanted me to leave her alone. Her mother had brought her, but was waiting in the waiting area. From what I can tell, most women do not have family or friends present for the labor or delivery. I left her alone, but at one point, she was trying to massage her lower back so I tentatively started trying to massage her. For the next 3 hours, I became a masseuse/labor coach as each time I stopped, she would hit her back and point at me. She didn't progress as fast as Janet had expected and the baby's heartrate was dropping quite a lot so Janet was a bit worried. No fetal monitors here, just a fetoscope that you place on the tummy and put your ear to the other side. Just as we were hanging an IV, things started moving more quickly and she delivered a healthy baby girl after 5 hours at the clinic. It was amazing and such a privilege to get to share in this moment. Right after delivery, Janet had me take the baby to rub and suction and examine. It was tense for a few minutes as the baby was trying to breathe with lots of secretions, but after suctioning, everything was good and the baby was breathing well. I gave her to her mom and she immediately started breastfeeding. I was humbled again by what an amazing God we have, with such creativity to bring new life into the world through women. And I was humbled by the strength of African women. Baby and Mom will stay at clinic for 2 days so I got to see them again yesterday and all was well.

Things here are going by quickly and slowly at the same time. I can't believe I have almost been here 2 months, yet there are days that are very slow. Last night, I was in bed at 6:45! I'm looking forward to taking a week off in a few weeks to take a ferry to the islands and the Mozambican side of the lake. From pictures, it looks amazing.

Thanks for the comments you are posting. I love reading them. Thank you for your prayers. I continue to need them. Many blessings.

A picture says a thousand words

I'm finally at the internet cafe because we are nearly out of food so I offered to go to town. Things are still going really well. May left last week which was sad to say good-bye. I'm so glad she decided to come. Without her, I may have never gotten off the bus and would be home by now. Quite a few new volunteers have come which is great because I am not the newbie anymore. I decided to be lazy and let my pictures do the talking this time....
A child being weighed at an under 5's clinic. Definitely the most inaccurate scales I have ever used. I have given up trying to worry about the scales often not being zeroed, etc. Hopefully we are getting an estimate.
A woman getting her baby ready for vaccines at an under 5's clinic. I'm not sure how my patients at home would have felt about having their babies get vaccinated in the dirt. The under 5's clinics are always an experience.A baby getting vaccinated at the under 5's clinic. We just line them up and poke away.
I am quickly becoming the sex education teacher around here, which is pretty funny. There is a huge need for it. This is me at a under 5's clinic giving a female condom training. Here I am putting my hand into a condom because the women were concerned that the condoms were too small. Planning to do many more of these trainings. I have realized that I am definitely a nurse because I don't even feel uncomfortable about it.
We run into many children on the path. Most of them run out to greet us shouting, "Mzungu", white person. The toddlers are often afraid of us though and the little one in the green shirt in this picture cried if we tried to come too close.
Some fisherboys that I ran into down on the lake. They were happy to pose for a picture.
A fisherman out on the lake. Most of the fisherman do not know how to swim. Unfortunately, I don't think my lifeguarding skills would help much here.
We went to dinner at a local man's house. He used to own a restuarant and is very helpful with volunteers. Here his pregnant wife is preparing our meal outside on an open fire. They cooked for 11 of us the other day. We had chicken, rice, nsimma (cornmeal based), fries, and pumpkin soup.
Me and ay waiting for dinner at their house.