Hopes and Fears

Those of you who have ever had the pleasure of flying with me know that I have a fear of it. In fact, I have an annoying habit of turning to my travel partner and saying, "I hope the plane doesn't crash". My dear friend Rebecca, put up with this countless times as we took many flights together. She would become quite annoyed with me, but I would somehow feel better having released the words from my mind into the world. So, with one week left before my departure, I am starting to fear the upcoming flight. Many of my friends think it is due to my traumatic experience when flying to SA the first time, but I think it started long before that when watching a made for TV movie about the flight to Hawaii that lost the top of the plane. That image is seered into my mind. And, this time I am flying alone which is much worse because as a verbal processor, I will not have my usual outlet for my anxiety. But, I know that I will get on the plane and hopefully get through it without filling the xanax prescription.

I think it is quite humorous whenever people tell me how brave I am to be taking this journey. They do not realize that I am actually full of fears, but that the desire to be among people of another culture and doing relief work is so far winning the battle. Despite all of my fears, I know that this is the desire of my heart.

So, for those of you who think I am brave, I will share my long list of fears and somewhat in the order they rank:
1. Flying (Presently, the greatest fear because it is the first that I will have to conquer)
2. Snakes (Although I am a fan of pythons, I have been reading about mambas and they are quite scary sounding. My friend Marc did not allieviate my fears when he told me stories of them jumping through the windows of cars)
3. Crocodiles (Apparently, I am not supposed to swim in Lake Malawi between 6pm and 6am due to the increased activity of crocs)
4. Parktown prawns and really big spiders (The parktown prawn is an awful looking huge insect)
5. Incompetency at the clinics and that I will be a hindrance rather than a help
6. Violence
7. That I will be unable to emotionally handle the amount of poverty, sickness, and death that I will encounter
8. That I will arrive in Malawi to find the organization is a scam and I am being sold into slavery
9. That something will happen back at home that I will want to be here for
10. That I will contract malaria, TB, or some other horrendous disease.

There are many other fleeting fears that run through my mind, but you get the idea.
So, in order to combat these fears, I think of the reasons I am doing this trip and the hopes that I have. Here is a sampling of the hopes that I have for this trip:
1. That I will reconnect with people who I met previously in SA especially people who I have been unable to be in contact with.
2. That I will in some small way be able to make an impact in a few people's lives and especially show them love and compassion.
3. That I will be able to share Christ's love with people who are hurting.
4. That I will gain a better understanding of other cultures and have this expand my worldview.
5. That I will be able to share with family and friends what I am observing is happening in these areas of Africa so that they can have a broader understanding.
6. That I will grow as a nurse and become more knowledgeable and have greater skills.
7. That I will experience the beauty of creation both geographically and in humanity
8. That I will have a greater knowledge of myself and spend a lot of time in prayer, solitude, journaling and reading.
9. That I will witness what others are doing to end suffering in the world and visit multiple organizations and be able to share this information with others.
10. That I will come to understand what is truly important in life and learn to live more simply.

I am so excited to begin this journey and to let my hopes triumph over my fears.