Trusting my Creator

Its been a bit of a whirwind week with flight changes, changing countries, and having lots on my mind. What I didn't share in my last blog was the true reason for leaving Malawi early. Now that I know everything is OK, I can share it because it is a part of my journey this year.

While in Malawi a month ago, I found a breast lump. Because I had surgery, I didn't think much of it, but took note and thought I need to check it out when I get home. Unfortunately it had all of the hallmarks of a lump to take seriously with it being hard, round, and painless (All you women out there should be checking for this monthly!) Anyway, about a week ago, I asked another nurse with me to feel it and she thought it was a bit concerning and after discussing it with others, I decided it needed to be checked out sooner rather than later. I really wasn't that worried, but I thought if it was something, I would kick myself later. With Malawi's health care system being what it is, the closest medical facility to check it was South Africa. So I said a sad good-bye to Malawi and left 3 weeks ahead of schedule to return to Joburg. I was really unsure with how to proceed because I don't have medical insurance at home and thought that if I get results here, it could impact things with insurance at home. At the same time, SA has a great private health system and I was able to get right into a doctor and do tests cheaply. So, yesterday I had an ultrasound and mammogram which were inconclusive so I had a needle biopsy and the doctor just called with the results, that it is fine! It's funny how the mind works because although I knew it would be fine, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst. I was blessed to be surrounded by good friends here who offered me their prayers and help getting around town.

It's actually made me think about a lot. First, it made me think about my priorities in life. When I briefly had the flitting thought of what if I have 6 months to live, I thought I should have spent the past year with family. It made me realize how quickly things can change. But, its been an incredible year where I have learned and lived the life I think God has called me to. This life can end at any time and I want to be living in the will of God, not in fear. This year was about overcoming fears and I don't think being away from family this year was a mistake. It will make me appreciate them more when I see them.
Secondly, I had the thought, "God wouldn't do that to me". Especially when I thought what if I also have TB and they have to treat my nonactive TB first before I can be on chemo. I know irrational again, but these are the thoughts you have. It made me think about what I believe God's nature to be. Does He cause things like cancer in us? or Prevent it at times? How involved is He with us. Would I have been angry at God if I had been diagnosed with cancer? In honesty, I have to admit I would have been. I would have wondered why God would have brought me here to have it end like this. I do believe God is actively involved in our lives and that He sometimes answers prayers the way we want and sometimes He doesn't. I hope that if the diagnosis had been different, I could have grown closer to God and seen this year as a time to do that.
Thirdly, I had those nagging doubts again that I experienced at the start of this trip and before leaving for Malawi, that something bad would happen. I believe this was the work of Satan to try to prevent me from living the life God has for me by making me fearful. Before I left on this trip, I had a feeling of impending doom and that something "bad" would happen. But I really felt they were not feelings from God and this was confirmed when I started living in South Africa. It was an incredible time of growing closer to God, getting baptized, and experiencing His Holy Spirit. I knew that this was where I was supposed to be and I felt the same way once in Malawi. But during the past 24 hours waiting for the biopsy results, I had this feeling that what if this is the "bad" thing. Satan created lots of doubts in me about what if this year wasn't right. It is crazy how quickly doubts and fear can enter. But, God is good. And I am fine and it wasn't a "bad" thing and I have had an incredible year that will impact me for life and I have learned more than I could have hoped for, and my relationship with God is strong.

Its going to take awhile to process this year. I think I will struggle a bit at home. I am overly excited to see family and friends, but once that dies down, reality will set in. I am not much closer to knowing the future of my life. I have no concrete plans for the future. I know that this year impacted me and will impact future decisions I make, but I am learning to be at peace with uncertainty. Beyond all, I am learning to trust God.

By the way, I will be home in the States, next week.