Gratitude

I was given a special gift when I flew out of South Africa. The Soweto Gospel Choir, which is really famous, happened to be on my plane and as we landed in Amsterdam, they sang several amazing songs. It was a surreal end to my African adventure. I have been home just under 2 weeks and I am in the process of processing. Its taken me awhile to blog about being home because I have so many random and jumbled up and inconsistent thoughts that I wasn't sure how they would end up once written. But tonight I am babysitting for my friends and thought I would take the opportunity to try to compose something.

Many people have asked me how I am dealing with reentry, culture shock, whatever you want to call it and I have to say that I am very happy. I was trying to figure out recently why I am so happy and I have come up with a few things. First of all, as mentioned before, I really think I thought I would die or something terrible would happen on this trip. If you go back to my very first blog posting, you can read about all of my irrational fears and I have realized that although I absolutely love traveling, there is a bit of stress involved. Everytime I got on a crowded minibus, I prayed that we wouldn't crash (for good reason, as one of my drivers was drinking which I didn't realize until I was getting off!), everytime I swam in the lake, I would frantically scan around pray there was no crocodile, I prayed a lot to ward off snakes, I prayed in Joburg that noone would mug me or carjack me. In general, I prayed a lot. Which brings me to why I am so happy. I AM ALIVE! And I get to hang out with my family and friends again and enjoy lattes and walks on the street. Anyway, it made me realize that God is trustworthy and that I can trust Him to take care of me. It was like, "wow, God we did it!".

Secondly, I am finding it hard to complain about anything or be too stressed when in the grand scheme of things, I have a really good and easy life. I met women in Africa who have to prostitute themselves just to feed their children or have contracted HIV because their husband had an affair, or have essentially no freedoms or choices in their lives. And I for some reason, was born in a country in this century, with my family, where I have endless choices and freedoms. Even though I am a bit stressed thinking about the future and having to start a new job and what is next...at least I have choices. I have choices to eat what I want and can get it in two minutes instead of having to eat cassava everyday and work really hard to make it. I have the choice of whether or not to have children. I can stay single if I want and never have to deal with a man having control over me or exposing me to diseases. It's pretty incredible when you think about the millions of women in the world who don't have choices. I'm going to go off for a moment on this because it was the issue that frustrated me the most and made me feel the most helpless so bear with me. Many people here often think of HIV/AIDS as a disease that people get because they are sleeping around or something else that makes it a disease that affects "them" and lets us judge people and not have to actually do something about it. We have compassion for the innocent children with it and the orphans, but not always so much when we think about adults. But the majority of women I met were just as innocent. They are victims of poverty and simply being women. They got this disease because their husband brought it home to them even though they will often be blamed by their husband. They got it because they had to prostitute themself for the most basic necesity of life. I truly believe that the reason Africa is facing an HIV epidemic is because of poverty and women's rights, which is linked to poverty. Not to say that we should have less compassion for anyone with HIV, but maybe because I am a woman, it especially upsets me. Basically, I'm incredibly grateful that I can choose who I marry and when, and get out of bad situations, and be independant of men.

Thirdly, I am grateful for family and friends. I haven't had to worry about a place to stay because so many people have offerred and it has been great catching up with people. I don't know about the future yet. Have a few ideas, but will take some thinking and praying. I know I want to go back. As frustrated as I may sound at times, I absolutely love Africa and can't imagine not going back. I think I'm also happy because I finally realized that this is what I want to do with my life. It gives me purpose. But, I don't know when or how or where. I don't think it will be for awhile and I know I will always want to return home for extended periods of time. I just want to enjoy the process. Catching up with people and moving onward in this crazy journey.

Trusting my Creator

Its been a bit of a whirwind week with flight changes, changing countries, and having lots on my mind. What I didn't share in my last blog was the true reason for leaving Malawi early. Now that I know everything is OK, I can share it because it is a part of my journey this year.

While in Malawi a month ago, I found a breast lump. Because I had surgery, I didn't think much of it, but took note and thought I need to check it out when I get home. Unfortunately it had all of the hallmarks of a lump to take seriously with it being hard, round, and painless (All you women out there should be checking for this monthly!) Anyway, about a week ago, I asked another nurse with me to feel it and she thought it was a bit concerning and after discussing it with others, I decided it needed to be checked out sooner rather than later. I really wasn't that worried, but I thought if it was something, I would kick myself later. With Malawi's health care system being what it is, the closest medical facility to check it was South Africa. So I said a sad good-bye to Malawi and left 3 weeks ahead of schedule to return to Joburg. I was really unsure with how to proceed because I don't have medical insurance at home and thought that if I get results here, it could impact things with insurance at home. At the same time, SA has a great private health system and I was able to get right into a doctor and do tests cheaply. So, yesterday I had an ultrasound and mammogram which were inconclusive so I had a needle biopsy and the doctor just called with the results, that it is fine! It's funny how the mind works because although I knew it would be fine, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst. I was blessed to be surrounded by good friends here who offered me their prayers and help getting around town.

It's actually made me think about a lot. First, it made me think about my priorities in life. When I briefly had the flitting thought of what if I have 6 months to live, I thought I should have spent the past year with family. It made me realize how quickly things can change. But, its been an incredible year where I have learned and lived the life I think God has called me to. This life can end at any time and I want to be living in the will of God, not in fear. This year was about overcoming fears and I don't think being away from family this year was a mistake. It will make me appreciate them more when I see them.
Secondly, I had the thought, "God wouldn't do that to me". Especially when I thought what if I also have TB and they have to treat my nonactive TB first before I can be on chemo. I know irrational again, but these are the thoughts you have. It made me think about what I believe God's nature to be. Does He cause things like cancer in us? or Prevent it at times? How involved is He with us. Would I have been angry at God if I had been diagnosed with cancer? In honesty, I have to admit I would have been. I would have wondered why God would have brought me here to have it end like this. I do believe God is actively involved in our lives and that He sometimes answers prayers the way we want and sometimes He doesn't. I hope that if the diagnosis had been different, I could have grown closer to God and seen this year as a time to do that.
Thirdly, I had those nagging doubts again that I experienced at the start of this trip and before leaving for Malawi, that something bad would happen. I believe this was the work of Satan to try to prevent me from living the life God has for me by making me fearful. Before I left on this trip, I had a feeling of impending doom and that something "bad" would happen. But I really felt they were not feelings from God and this was confirmed when I started living in South Africa. It was an incredible time of growing closer to God, getting baptized, and experiencing His Holy Spirit. I knew that this was where I was supposed to be and I felt the same way once in Malawi. But during the past 24 hours waiting for the biopsy results, I had this feeling that what if this is the "bad" thing. Satan created lots of doubts in me about what if this year wasn't right. It is crazy how quickly doubts and fear can enter. But, God is good. And I am fine and it wasn't a "bad" thing and I have had an incredible year that will impact me for life and I have learned more than I could have hoped for, and my relationship with God is strong.

Its going to take awhile to process this year. I think I will struggle a bit at home. I am overly excited to see family and friends, but once that dies down, reality will set in. I am not much closer to knowing the future of my life. I have no concrete plans for the future. I know that this year impacted me and will impact future decisions I make, but I am learning to be at peace with uncertainty. Beyond all, I am learning to trust God.

By the way, I will be home in the States, next week.

Thank You Very Much Bye Bye

In the words of our cook, Harry, a big "Thank you very much bye bye" to Malawi. I have changed my plans once again and will be flying out to Joburg on Monday, the 6th. I am actually quite sad to be leaving Malawi early, but I have wrapped up many of my projects and it seems time to move on. I am unsure how long I will be in Joburg, but may return home rather soon. We will see with flight changes, etc. It had been an incredible year, but I am also ready to see family and friends. Things could change again so I will keep you posted.
Things I will miss about Mwaya...

• Waking up at 5am and hearing the night watchman talking loudly in Chitonga while I try to get a few more minutes of sleep
• Using my headtorch from 5pm onward and covering myself in mosquito repellent
• Watching for snakes on the path as I walk
• Being bombarded by children yelling, "mzungu" and "give me money"
• The wonderful people of Mwaya especially the staff at Ripple
• The openness of expression of the people. The freeness of hugs and emotions.
• The Mwaya library with many books I have not had time to read and sharing library breakfasts with Mr. Longwe and Japhert
• Cramming onto minibuses that are already too full
• Deciding between vegetable stew, vegetable curry, mashed potatoes, fish stew, or lentils for dinner
• An unbelievably beautiful lake that can change from crystal clear calmness to crashing waves
• The other international volunteers that have become good friends
• The amazing friends I have made that I will likely never see again that unfortunately don't have internet access.

To all of this and much more, I say thank you. And to those who have ever considered traveling to Africa, come to Ripple Africa at Mwaya Beach.